Sometimes You Lose Your Voice
I have not literally lost it, although sometimes I do because of the dust. But more so a loss of words. And just like losing your actual voice, your writing voice eventually comes back.
I have been feeling a whole heck of a lot lately. And you would think with all kinds of emotions and experiences mixing together I would be a writing machine, but quite the opposite has happened. I find it difficult to be inspired and then when I do get inspired I can’t find any words. *cue the crickets*
I don’t really know why this has happened other than just like anything else creative writing comes in waves. Maybe it is because my mind is consumed by an incessant stream of thoughts: What’s next? Why am I here? What am I doing? What do I really want to do? I want to do this, but also that. I want to live abroad, but I also want to be home. I want to teach yoga forever, but I also want to do 70 million other things. How do I choose? And on and on and on and on. I feel like I am drowning. And I have even noticed I have been apologizing like a maniac: Sorry I said that. Sorry I did that. Sorry you feel that way. Sorry you don’t like this. Sorry I asked. Sorry I tried. Sorry this, sorry that. Yuck. Apologizing for merely existing, for being human and flawed.
So, with all of this mental turmoil I have decided to do what I know best to help ease the chatter and find more presence: Reconnect. I show up on my mat every morning, sit down and practice pranayama while my water is boiling for my coffee. After I pull a card and journal my thoughts, I grab my coffee and begin.. Sun A’s and Sun B’s, standing postures, balancing postures, core work, jump through’s and jump backs, inversions, backbends, and cool down. Then, meditate and say a little prayer. My favorite lately has been, “I am open to surrendering to the creations that are wanting to be birthed through me. May I be of service in a way that delights my mind, my body, and soul. Please use me, please lead me, please show me the way.” I’ve even been doing all the “woo” things. Cleaning and saging my apartment, using essential oils, lying in bed with my crystals. So, why the heck does everything feel so heavy?
I have tried to be aware of what makes me feel better and what makes me feel worse. I know that writing helps even when it makes no sense and reading, listening to podcasts, and cooking makes the monkey mind not so intense. I know that even a little drinking or staying out too late leaves me feeling depressed in the morning, time spent with toxic people drains me, and not practicing leaves me feeling unsettled and ungrounded. So I have increased the feel good things and decreased the not so feel good things, so why does everything still feel so heavy?
Let’s reflect for a moment: Last year at this time I was forced to slow down. I was recovering from ankle surgery and really had no other choice, but to NOT do a million things and feel everything. I confronted a lot of ugly stuff, but it gave me a different outlook. Just as the seasons were changing, I was changing, my life was changing, my approach was changing. Little did I know I would be where I am now, doing what I am doing, living a drastically different life, but feeling the same heaviness forcing me to slow down and to confront the ugly that is so necessary to grow. Growth is a process. It is ten feet by ten feet. It is a path with changing elevations and no definitive destination. But if given the choice, I would choose the crazy path over being stagnant every single time. (Ah, a double edged sword sometimes I do believe. Shout out to all the humans who have an over active solar plexus.)
I have realized I can’t escape the seasons whether I am in Pittsburgh or Uganda, they will find me. Sometimes I have something profound to say and other times I can barely utter a word so I won’t try to fight it or force talking (writing and actual talking) when it feels gross. I will continue to practice Sun A’s and Sun B’s over and over to slow the monkey mind, pray because it brings me ease, breathe and meditate because it reminds me simply breathing in and out can be magical (seriously, pause and take a deep breath in and a slow breath out right now—you can’t deny how good that feels), and watch the occasional episode of 30 Rock because Tina Fey cracks me the heck up.
Seasons change, feelings change, people change. And trying to be present through it all is wildly difficult. But remember whatever place you’re in right now, is exactly where you are supposed be, experiencing exactly what you are supposed to be experiencing.
Be a light,